My Prince Charming

Now being chatted up can sometimes be the beginning of a fairy tale romance; resulting in marriage, 3 kids, a Labrador puppy called Bilbo, a family estate and a draining mortgage. For those who have accomplished this, Congratulations!! However, if your flirting history is more Saw III than Sleeping Beauty, then please come in from the cold, and enter my house of dating disasters, flirting faux pas and cheesy chat up lines….

The art of wooing a woman seems to have dramatically changed in the last 150 years. When Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice, a man would propose, and a woman would accept before they had, how shall I put it, tested the merchandise? Now, in this economic climate, men and women are less inclined to enter into negotiations without a couple of test drives, and an STD test. But like all good shoppers, they read the fine print and are aware that they can return their products, but the likelihood of a refund is pretty slim.

Once upon a time, in a far off land named Canterbury, a young woman entered Asda, a shop that, if price comparison websites are anything to go by, sold goods a lot cheaper than the other Supermarkets. On this wonderful Sunday afternoon I was offered the most affordable Prince Charming in the shop, he was discounted by 50%, so I think he saw himself as a pretty good deal. Supermarkets are now becoming the hotspot for meeting your ideal man, in between recycling your glass, and buying loo cleaner, you can also purchase a half price prince. And with Asda’s price promise, he’s a bargain all year round! Lucky me.

I have just finished my shopping, got the usual essentials, Sensodyne toothpaste, a bar of Dairy Milk, 5 Mars Bars, 4 Twix’s, a packet of Sour Patch kids and a Terry’s chocolate orange. All in all a healthy week. I am placing my items on to the check out, and am approaching, what I would classify as a seemingly regular 40 year old guy.

‘Alright gorgeous, looking good.’ A bit friendly for our first meeting, but I’m a single 22 year old woman, who has been mistaken for a man, I take compliments where I can get them.

‘Good afternoon.’ I smile and nod awkwardly, whilst opening up my bag for life.

The greying fox … well more badger, asks through the beep, beep, beep, ‘You er come here much then?’ I notice one of his front teeth seems to have gone missing. I’ll most definitely be asking for a damage discount.

‘Erm probably once a week, depending on how much I buy.’

‘Yeah ha, well I’m here most days’ (Him: wink) (Me: wince) Now I am a polite person and as he was still beeping through my shop, I ask ‘Do you like working here then?’

‘Well you know it’s okay, boss is a bit of an arse, but what can you do. You have lovely … eyes.’ His eyes are firmly placed on my chest and every time I place a bag into the trolley they move to my arse. My bargain prince putting on the moves with such finesse and subtlety I feel like true love’s kiss isn’t far off. I just have make sure I don’t accidentally choke of a poisonous apple, prick my finger, get locked in a really tall tower or run out of the shop without paying.

‘That’ll be 22.50 please love’

I insert the card, beg it to ask me for my pin number, pin number entered. Now here is where mere words became action, as my half price prince charming gallantly hands me the receipt. His sweaty hand takes hold of mine, he flicks in between staring deeply into my eyes and piercingly at my cleavage (it exists, you just have to look closely) and says the words that all women since Eve have wanted men to say ‘Do you fancy ya know, a fine filly like you needs a good ride.’

Now not necessarily the most stereotypical of lines, most women expect at most ‘You’re alright, wanna go out?’ or ‘Yeah marriage isn’t a bad idea, means I’ll always have clean socks.’ But really what I received was sexual harassment. Ladies and gents, this is the kind of man I attract, way too old for me, a bit creepy, missing his front tooth, and completely devoid of social niceties. So if you ever become disheartened at your love life, just read this tale of a budding romance in all its glory, and revel in the awkward silences, dramatic pauses and pornographic chat up lines. I’m sure it will make you feel a whole lot better.